I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
