Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
