I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
