is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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