I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
