Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
