Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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