My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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