Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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