xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
