i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
