Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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