I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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