if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
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Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize