i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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