The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
