then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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