I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
BRING THE BAGELS
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.