dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
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Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.