Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I could make wine with my vomit
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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