if i can run in heels then i can drive
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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