she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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