So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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