we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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