I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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