i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
