tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
