Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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