evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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