Having a random hookup so left but love u
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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