So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
