Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
