I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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