see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
