I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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