Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
