That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
