The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
