i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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