im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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