I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
