I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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