so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
