I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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