you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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