chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
