I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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