So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
