Will you blow on my dice?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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