pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
