I'm so fucking centered right now
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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