The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
