You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
