i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
