my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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